Mummifed pharaoh sits on asp

President Hasni Mubarak of Egypt thought someone said “sit down” not “step down,” and in an alarming development apparently sat on his pet asp, a poisonous snake best known for taking the life of Cleopatra. Reporters were unsure if the ass biting incident with the snake happened before the press conference convened. Mubarak appeared tired and his face looked like crate paper, as if he had been recently preserved for dead, but his slurring and lethargic speech, while defiant, also was largely unintelligible. These unconfirmed rumors of poisoning were widespread. “Lots of mumbling,” an unnamed Mubarak aid mentioned in passing. “Are you kidding me,” said a military official. “It’s a regular Weekend at Bernie’s around here!”

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